Ask me anything 2024: your questions answered

Minka: Hi everybody, and welcome back to Minka Guides. This month, I’m doing something a little bit different where I’ll be answering your questions in an Ask Me Anything.

I am so delighted to have my newest friend here, Renée Yoxon, to ask me your questions. 

How are you doing today Renée?

Renée (they/them): I’m good. How are you doing?

Minka: I’m good. I say that like we haven’t been chatting for the last 10 minutes before this.

(laughs) 

So Renée and I are both here in Mexico. We met only about six weeks ago, that’s why I refer to them as my ‘newest friend’. But actually, it’s been so lovely because we have connected so quickly. It’s been a very instant kind of friendship. So I’m so excited to have you particularly to be asking me these questions. 

Renée: It’s an honour. I’m so happy to be here.

Minka: So why don’t you tell everybody a bit about yourself, Renée? So they understand who you are and that would make them understand also why we’ve connected as well.

Renée: Sure. My name is Renée Yoxon. I’m a gender-affirming voice teacher. My pronouns are they/them, and I just want to tell this tiniest anecdote from when we met. 

We had our first little friend date, and I was telling Bronwyn that I’m a gender-affirming voice teacher, and you went, “Oh, I heard an interview with somebody who does that on a podcast.” And I was like, “Is it Gender Reveal?” And you were like “Yes!” And I was like “That was me! That was my interview!” (Laughs). Only in the queer world would that happen.

Minka: Absolutely. I can’t believe I didn’t put it all together. That I wasn’t like, “Oh, of course, you’re a superstar vocal coach.”

Renée: Stop stop.

Minka: So what kind of things do you do when you teach people about their voice?

Renée: Sure. So, I teach trans+ people to create a voice that gives them gender euphoria. Everyone has different goals. Some people want to sound more feminine, whatever that means to them. Or masculine, whatever that means to them. 

But yeah, my little tagline is that I help people create a voice that they love.

Minka: Amazing. That’s that’s incredible.

I also just should note that because we’re both in Mexico, you might hear some background sounds of Mexico City. Such as little announcements or people playing the trumpet randomly as we have this conversation. 

(laughs)

Do you get people playing the trumpet randomly in your part of the city?

Renée: That’s real. Hundred per cent, yes. Definitely a hundred per cent

Minka: Which I love I absolutely love. 

So, I’m very nervous that I am going to be asked these questions and I have no idea what they are. But I feel like I’m in very safe hands with you Renée.

Before we do get started I think it’s really important that I note that if anyone’s questions relate to relationship advice, I’m not a professional therapist. I’m not a relationship coach. I’m a writer who sometimes writes about concepts about polyamory and different relationship things, for example. So any kind of perspective that I give on people’s relationships, if that’s what happens to come up, is just from my own perspective. It’s not professional advice at all.

Also, just in case there’s anything medical that comes up, I am not a doctor. (laughs) I just would like to point that out if it wasn’t immediately obvious. 

So, with that all out of the way, I suppose we can start.

Renée: Don’t worry, we’ll start with an easy one.

Name all of your exes.

Minka: (gasps and laughs)

Renée: I’m just kidding. You don’t have to see you don’t have to answer that.

Minka: Thank goodness. I would probably leave someone out so I would just feel bad.

Renée: Ah, okay, all right. So here’s a serious question.

In what ways has your gender identity journey affected your relationship with romantic/sexual partners and sex, if at all?

Minka: Ah, going straight in there.

Renée: Just an easy light question. Yeah.

Minka: I think it has enormously affected my relationship with myself and my partners. Is that what it asked, or just relationships, romantic/sexual?

Renée: Yet it says: In what ways has your gender journey affected your relationship with your partners and sex in general?

Minka: Yes, absolutely. It’s affected it a lot because I didn’t start having relationships until I was 21, which was a long time ago.

I was very much vibing on my own beforehand, being quite genderqueer and doing my thing. Then, when I started to be a little bit more femme presenting, everybody suddenly was like, “Oh my god! Look at you. Wow, you’re beautiful. You’re this or that.” Opportunities like jobs and all of this kind of stuff started opening up to me that just hadn’t been there beforehand. This especially happened when I got into my first relationship around that time, and the person was really beautiful. They were a catwalk model and someone who probably wouldn’t have perhaps wanted to date me before I started being super femme presenting. 

But it really reinforced this idea that in order for me to be worthy of love, I would have to maintain this beauty standard of what someone who was assigned female at birth was meant to perhaps present.

I did that for 20 years. It was a really long time, and there were situations such as partners criticizing me if I didn’t shave, if I didn’t wear makeup or if I didn’t do certain things because when I went out in the world I would present in a certain way. They would just be like, “Well, why not when we’re at home? Why wouldn’t you do this or why wouldn’t you do that.”

Even such things as criticizing me if I wore something didn’t wear something sexy to bed. That I was therefore communicating that I didn’t want sex, which is so interesting because for me when I’m comfortable I feel a lot more sexy. Whereas when I’m putting on something, trying to perform a gender role, I don’t really feel very sexy. 

So, when I started feeling my way into my genderqueerness in the last couple of years, it had a huge impact in terms of me coming to realize that however I present, I’m still worthy of love.

In fact, just being surprised and actually loving the fact that a lot of people who are the kind of people I’d want to date, especially other non-binary people, are really supportive. They love it and are into me and all of that stuff and are caring and all of that. So, in terms of love, yes, that’s it’s had an enormous impact on my relationships and my understanding of my self-worth and love.

In sex as well, without getting into too much detail. I think I was always trying to do that performance of the idea of what was expected around sex if I was a cis woman.

Now, when I meet someone, it’s like, “Hi, so you know bit of bit about me. This area of my body is called my chest, and please don’t use words like breast, boobs, tits anything like that. Don’t call me a good girl or a sexy lady.” 

(laughs)

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced this, but I’ve been like, “We just talked about my gender identity for a good 20 minutes, and you just called me a sexy lady or a good girl or something.” It’s kind of pulled me out of the moment a little bit.

Renée: People don’t realize that anyone of any gender can have gay sex.

Minka: Yes. Exactly.

I think that’s the thing that’s made me kind of be like, “Hey, so I’m sometimes into these things. But I’ll tell you if I feel like those things (such as PIV sex), but that’s not the main part of sex.”

Minka: Whereas I think what I used to be like was like that was sex. You know, if I was having sex with someone with a penis, that was sex. So it’s been so interesting to kind of come into all of this on my own throughout this journey. 

But I’m also really curious about you Renée. Not to put any pressure on you to respond to a question like that. 

But how has your gender journey impacted your relationships, and if you feel like it talking about sex?

Renée: Well, I didn’t realise that we were going to turn these questions around on me, but I’m happy to talk about it.

Minka: I just thought it’s something that would relate to you as well.

Renée: Yeah, I mean it’s funny. I never really had the experience of anybody expecting womanhood from me. I think that’s just the fortunate experience of my life. 

One of my first important relationships was when I was about 21, and I remember the way that he flirted with me was like, “Hey, my ex was a drag king.” Like he knew what he needed to say to flag that he was okay with me. I was not identifying as non-binary at the time. I was fully just a bisexual woman, and he knew he had to be queer in order to get with me. 

So, like, I never shaved my legs or my armpits.

Minka: Oh, he saw you.

Renée: Oh yeah, he saw me in my fullness at the time. But yeah, I never felt pressured to change my body hair when people would comment on it. I’d be like, “God put it there. Take it up with him.” Like, I don’t know what to tell you. (laughs) And when I say him, I mean like a he/him lesbian type of him. (laughs)

So, anyway, yeah. When I became non-binary, I remember years later, we talked about it, me and this ex. He was like, “Oh yeah, okay.” That it’s not surprising you know.

Minka: Like, no surprise.

Renée: All relationships have followed that pattern. I don’t know what kind of gay vibes I’ve always given off. But I think I’ve been very lucky that no one’s ever been like, “Why don’t you grow your hair out for me,” or whatever, you know it’s never been like that.

Minka: It’s so interesting, isn’t it? The people who were least surprised about me when I started talking about being genderqueer were the people who knew me back when I was like 18/19/20. Whereas anyone who kind of met me in the last like particularly last ten, 15, 20 years we’re all like, “Oh okay, sure.” like you know, So it’s very interesting.

So maybe we’re ready for question number two.

Renée: Speaking of your age we should probably mention that this is a birthday video, right? That’s why we’re doing this.

Minka: Yes, so when this comes out it will be the week of my birthday. I will be a whole 43 years old, which is why I said when I was 21, it was forever ago because it kind of was.

Renée: Maybe I’ll ask a question now. 

How do you feel about turning 43?

Minka: I feel pretty good. 

I think my biggest concern is that I had put a date on 43 as being when I expected to go through menopause finally.

I’ve written and talked about this quite a bit. About the fact that my mum went through menopause when she was 45. (She’s very comfortable with me talking about that in public just in case anyone’s interested). What often happens if you’re a person who menstruates, you usually go through menopause around the same time that your mother did. But because she had children and I haven’t had children, it means I’m more likely to go through it a little bit earlier.

So, in my brain, when I was coming to understand all this, I was like: huh, 43. And so now I’m coming up to that date, I’m like, here I am. What’s gonna happen this year? I have felt some ebbs and flows. I’ve obviously been through lots of stuff, and I’ve written about this before about my perimenopause journey. 

But in the last couple of months, my skin has been so insanely dry. Is it because I’m in Mexico and there is no humidity? Or is it because my body is changing? I’m waking up in the middle of the night at three/four am and not being able to get back to sleep, which is a very common symptom. I’ve been having really big anxiety spikes which could be from things that are happening in my life but also could just be because my levels of my hormones are fluctuating so much as well. 

So we shall see. In a year I will know. It’s it’s such a big unknown. I could go through it at 47 and this could all just be part of the journey. So that’s what I’m mainly thinking about with being 43. Other than that, not loads.

Renée: If it makes you feel any better I’m only 36 and my skin is flaking off because of the dryness here. 

Minka: Oh my god! It is so dry here. Okay, this is good to know because I have been like, “Whoa, I am shrivelling up like a sultana in the sun here.” Maybe it is a lack of humidity, just an absolute level of dryness everywhere.

Renée: Yeah I have like dead doll hair from there’s just no moisture in my hair. 

Minka: Oh my god your hair always looks beautiful! I love it.

Renée:  Ah, thank you.

Minka:  Thank you for that lovely question. What about number question number 3?

Renée: Question number 3… Okay, so this is sort of in line with the first question.

Do you feel like it’s invalidating to be with someone who says that they’re straight when you are non-binary? And how do you reconcile with this?

Or gay, I suppose, if you’re with a woman.

Minka: I suppose the thing is I do see it quite differently, and I have written a whole piece about this. 

I think identity is a very personal thing and a personal choice. You get to identify however you like.

So, I have absolutely dated people since coming across to being genderqueer/nonbinary who identify as straight. It’s been a little bit of a mind-blowing moment for them, being like, “Totally cool that you identify as straight but how do you define your straightness?” And when they say, “Oh, I only date women,” I was like, “What does that mean for me?” Do you know what I mean? 

Renée: Let’s put two and two together here.

Minka: Exactly and that’s the moment I do find a bit invalidating because it makes me feel like they just haven’t really thought about the fact that they are dating someone who isn’t a woman. 

But I could imagine dating someone who identified as straight but still incorporated me within their definition of their straightness somehow, and I would be comfortable with that. 

I don’t think it automatically makes somebody queer, and I’m talking about someone identifying as straight. I don’t really mind anyone who’s on the queer spectrum, if they identified as a lesbian and they dated me, because for me, you’ve already questioned your sexuality enough. 

It’s usually when people haven’t questioned their sexuality at all that I’m like, “Well, where do I fit into that generic definition that you’ve adopted?”

How do you feel about this?

Renée: Also lesbianism encompasses so much genderqueerness to begin with. There’s such a long history of people being lesbians and transitioning. That’s not even a question, really. The problematic people are the straights. We both know this.

Minka: They are problematic, but also if you’re hot and straight and you want to date me like, I’m still kind of open to it.

Renée: Who am I to say no? (laughs)

Minka: We will happily make allowances if you know the vibe is there, just gonna say.

Renée: The way that I see it: if you’re straight, and that definition encompasses the vast majority of your sexuality, and you respect me, and you see me as non-binary, I don’t care.

As long as there’s a respectful relationship call yourself whatever you want. It doesn’t invalidate my identity if you’re straight 99.9% of the time does adequately describe your sexuality. But with somebody who is straight and cannot see me as anything but a woman, that is a problem, and I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that.

Minka: Yes. 

I also need to point out that I have always laughed about the fact that I am kind of like the canary in the coal mine for someone’s sexuality and gender identity.

(laughs)

Renée: Yo, That’s so real. It’s so real.

Minka: When they start dating me, the amount of people that’ve come out as nonbinary or gender fluid. They’ve started to be like, “Maybe I am bi?” I think I very much have an energy that draws those kinds of people to me. 

It’s very often that I’m on like a first or second or third date with someone who on their dating app profile says that they are a straight man for example and they’ll start dropping comments like, “Oh yeah, sometimes I wear my sister’s clothes,” clearly testing the waters to see how I react to this. Then, six months later, they’re like, “I’m gender fluid,” and I’m like, this is beautiful. This is lovely. 

Renée: Well, people can tell you’re going to be a safe person to experiment with and I think those who even if they don’t realise it, like who needs that space, they’re going to be drawn to you. The same thing happened to me.

I also think it’s like a bi woman phenomenon. Like the number of bisexual women that I’ve talked to who have dated people and then their partners are also like, “What are the chances, you know?” 

(laughs)

Minka: Exactly. How did that happen?

Renée: I think it has to do with the fact that when you’re dating somebody who is bi, queer or genderqueer and anyone who has like taken the second to question the norms of the heteropatriarchy like suddenly you have this space where you can go, “How do I feel about my things?” And then maybe you come out straight or maybe you come out gay or whatever. Who knows. It’s all possible.

Minka: Exactly like it’s a factory that’s pumping you out.

(laughs)

Renée: Popping out gay people left, right and centre.

Minka: Right now, next question.

Renée: Fourth question. Oh no, that was the third question. So now we’re up to number four. Let me just look at my questions here. Okay, so I’m gonna ask one of my questions now. I wrote a few. Maybe you’ve answered these before I haven’t read all of your content. But here is my question. 

What do you think about the word monogamish?

Minka: It’s interesting because it was coined by Dan Savage, who also coined the word pegging, which I am not a fan of. 

Renée: Really?

Minka: So he is a lexicon of words for the new new world.

He coined it to be about people who were relatively monogamous but would occasionally have sexual connections outside of their relationship. I imagine a lot of those times, they might be Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, or it might be like, “Oh, my ex is in town, and we want to spend a little time together.” All of this kind of stuff. 

As with any label for relationship stuff, I think it’s all right. I think it’s nice that it exists because it means that there is this group of people who are doing their relationships in one particular way that get to have a word to apply to what they’re doing. Because the spectrum of non-monogamy is so broad. It’s not just polyamory. There is a multitude of people doing it in many many different ways. 

If there is that spectrum and over here are people who are pretty much kind of monogamous. But maybe sometimes they go to a play party together once a year as a special anniversary occasion, that’s pretty monogamish. I like that those people get to have a word that they can use if they want to, even if it’s just when they’re writing for advice online and they would never actually tell anyone that they are that. I think for some people, it’s also a good way of again dipping their toes in the water of it all and finding out.

I’m curious to know why because maybe from our conversations is that something that you’re kind of looking for is a monogamish relationship.

Renée: I don’t identify as monogamous or polyamorous because to me those are behaviours and not identity labels, which we can get into if you want to. But I have done both and I can be happy in both. So I don’t feel it as an identity in the way that some people do.

But I have always liked monogamish because… Do you know the term LA sober? Have you heard of that?

Minka: No (laughs).

Renée: It just means somebody who smokes weed basically. But there are all kinds of different types of sober. So when I say I’m monogamous I mean in a gay way.

Renée: It’s hard to explain to people that I want a monogamous relationship. That’s what I desire, but I want to be able to take a bath with my friends. But a straight person would look at that and be like you’re not monogamous. But a gay person would be like, “Only a bath? That’s fine.” 

I’ve never been able to find the right word for the monogamous relationship that I’m seeking. With the affection that I give my queer friends and my chosen family, so that’s why I was wondering.

Minka: There is the word queer platonic. Maybe we need queer monogamous. Like you’re queering monogamy in some way. 

Renée: Sure, yeah, totally absolutely good.

Minka: There you go, Dan Savage. I have my own words.

Renée: Yeah so in that vein, this next question is:

Do you believe that polyamory is like an identity that people have like gender or sexuality? Or do you think it describes a set of behavioural choices?

Minka: It’s really interesting because I do see some people… I think I was starting to go to a different path from that but let me recalibrate. 

I think identities are really important because they help us to fight for our rights. When certain parts of society aren’t given equal rights, then identities are hugely important because you can look at a group and be like that group over there doesn’t have the same legal rights as all of these people over here.

So, I think it’s where we’re at right now with our incredibly mononormative society. It is really important to have that as an identity that you can be like, “Hey, I am polyamorous. This is how I live my life. I would like to be able to own a house with my multiple partners, or I would like to be able to have some form of official government-sanctioned commitment with multiple partners.” For a huge range of reasons for all of that kind of stuff. So, I think that it’s good to have a certain identity, and I support people having it as an identity. And that’s all right. Also, it could describe a set of behaviours as well. Do you know what I mean?

On the flip side, I think what we’re seeing right now is stuff around sexuality and, to a lesser extent, gender but very much with sexualities. People are starting not to care as much about labels because we have reached a point in society where there is certain legal recognition and equality in most countries that we live in. 

Therefore it has become less of, “We need this identity to be able to identify a certain group of people.” And people are like, “Well, you know, I might hook up with this person or this person or this person,” and they don’t really want to label it. I understand that, and I hope that maybe, in time, we will get that way with relationship identities as well. That it won’t need to be something that you have to be like, “Hi, this is me, and this is what I’m doing.” 

That said, it’s different from sexuality because when you meet someone, you want to be able to know what their kind of style of relationship is. What they’re envisaging for themselves and how they want to behave in their future relationships. So, they are very different. But I think that there is that element there around identities maybe hopefully in the future not necessarily being needed. 

I don’t know if that really answers the question about what I believe, though. 

Renée: No, it totally makes sense. 

How do you feel about people who use corporate structure to find legal protection in multiple partnerships?

Minka: Corporate structure. So is that like people who have a what… I saw a TikTok about this the other day. 

Renée: People who make a corporation for their relationship because they can’t get married.

Minka: Yes, exactly. I’m kind of like that’s awesome. I love that people are thinking in this way. If you’re going to utilize the system in that way to get the benefits that you need, go for it, I say.

We can keep going for a few more questions.

Renée: Okay, perfect. Ah, so this person asks:

How can I know if I’m polyamorous if I’ve never actually been in love with two people at the same time?

Minka: Well, hello my name’s Bronwyn and I’ve never been in love with two people at the same time. 

It’s a really interesting conundrum because it is really down to how you think you want to approach relationships. I’ve had multiple partners and I’ve had a lot of love for those people but I’ve never been in a situation where at the same time in my life I have two people that I have been in love with, which now is my requirement for me to escalate something into a committed relationship is to have that. 

It really comes down to how you think you want to approach relationships and then have a go at doing it and see what happens. For me, I’ve never had that happen. I am open to it happening if it ever happens.

There is a chance I might be monoromantic and polysexual. This is a thing that I have in my head all the time where I’m like, “Well then maybe I should be some form of non-monogamous, where I have one committed partner and lovers. But I always come back to being like, “What if you do end up falling in love with one of those other lovers?” So then, why not just be open to polyamory from the get-go and have a level of openness there built into the structure of your relationship? 

So, if you are questioning this, I am seven years into being actively non-monogamous and five years into being polyamorous, and I am still questioning these questions all the time, as are friends of mine. So, it’s not something that you might ever get a really clear idea of. Or you might be like some people I know who have known immediately that they are polyamorous and that is how they should approach life.

It’s all good because everyone’s approach to love and what they would categorize as being love or in love or a relationship or whatever, I have come to see is hugely different across the spectrum. So, it all comes down to how you are going to define that for yourself.

Renée: Great answer. Amazing. You’re clearly a professional at this. 

(laughs)

All right. Down for one more question? 

Minka: Yeah, let’s do it.

Renée: Okay, this is a juicy one.

What is the most positive intimate encounter you’ve had recently?

Minka: The most positive intimate encounter… (laughs)

Renée: And you may you can interpret that however you like. Positive, intimate, those are all words that are open to suggestion.

Minka: (long pause)

I mean… I just want to say that like last year was a good year for me in terms of intimate encounters. I had some lovely things happen (laughs) so I think that’s why I’m like pausing because I’m like… what do I talk about? 

I’ve only been with my partner in the last couple of months. But last year was about coming into my own in terms of gender stuff and the related sex stuff that we talked about beforehand. 

Observatorio del Placer, which I talk about in my Polyamory in Barcelona guide, was a really good experience for me because I went there three times last summer. It’s a monthly play party that happens. It’s very focused on sensuality rather than sex, specifically penetrative sex. So they are more interested in people exploring sensation play, exploring all of this kind of stuff. Every single time I went, there was a different experience.

It was really good for me, as I said, as someone who has transitioned out of being like, “Oh, sex means one thing,” over the last couple of years. So it was really good for me just to kind of experience a lot of just like physical touch and be in a space where people were doing all kinds of different things. 

As I said, I had a different experience each time, and one of those experiences happened to end up being having a threesome with two beautiful bisexual men. We have this really lovely connection now that we spend time together and keep in touch and all of that. So, all of those things that happened in those spaces were probably the most interesting, revealing loveliest thing that’s happened to me in the last couple of months.

Renée: It sounds beautiful.

Minka: What a question to end on. 

And you know I’ve already told you all about that threesome in great detail. So you know, we don’t have to talk about that. 

(laughs)

Renée: I’ve heard all about it. Yes.

Minka: So as I said it was a good year last year, in that one respect. The world may be going down the shithole but at least at least there’s pleasure.

Renée: At least! 

Well, thank you so much for letting me ask all these questions of you and happy birthday!

Minka: Ah, thank you so much. Thank you for taking the time to do this with me and thanks to everybody who submitted a question. Sorry, we couldn’t get to all of them, but it possibly would have gone on for an hour.

But I will do it again next year. So, please feel free to resubmit your questions then or if you have something different.

But before we go, Renée, I want to give you a chance if people are interested in the work that you do. How do they find you?

Renée: Sure, so I’m Renee Yoxon on all the platforms: TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. And my website is reneeyoxon.com.

Minka: Amazing. And if you’re watching this on my blog, then all of those links will be in there. If you’re watching this on YouTube, just drop down to the notes there. And this bit is probably not going to pop up on social this bit, but if it does, I’ll be linking to Renée anyway.

There we go. We did it. Answered the questions.

Renée: Thank you! We did it.

Minka: I look forward to celebrating my birthday with you very soon Renée.

Renée: Yes, I’m so excited.

Minka: Okay everybody, bye.

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